My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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