Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
