When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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