So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
