she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just invented taco cereal.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
