i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
