dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
