and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
