I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
