The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
