just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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