I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
