The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
