I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
