The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
