A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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