Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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