First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
