do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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