Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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