i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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