Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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