Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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