I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
