I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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