Im at strip club and am horny
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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