I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
