Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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