Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
