if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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