im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
