Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish I could teleport
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
