6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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