Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
