some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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