His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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