I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
