I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The adults are the big ones right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
