At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
