If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
