the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
