the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
