for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
