Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
