My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
