Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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