I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
