i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
