Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
