Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
