peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
