Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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