Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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