I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
